The Art of Living Deliciously

He didn't give me a chance

“It’s like he didn’t give me a CHANCE.” pouted Ariel, sounding almost child-like.

She and Rob, an internist at Mount Sinai hospital had been hot and heavy with one another for a good 3 months before he called the whole thing off.  They went from not being able to take their eyes and hands off one another, to de-friending one another from their respective facebook accounts,  after he abruptly ended their passionate love affair with an email.

Another friend of mine, Emily, too had called me some months back, to complain about how this Williamsburg hipster guy she had gone out on just one date with,  never called her again.  She said she knew it was because she was not cool (or rather, “deck” in hipster slang) or enough of a hipster for him, what with her bubble-gum pop Britney Spears itunes favorites and love of too-good-to-be-true Hollywood Happy ending movies, which was in stark contrast to his professed love of  litle known indie music bands like Matador and Smells Like Records, and steady diet of foreign and indie (or better yet, foreign indie) film instead of real food, which probably helped explain his 2% body fat level.  “I feel so upset not so much because of the rejection, but because I felt like he just never gave me a chance to prove myself.  I mean if he had gotten to know me past ONE miserable date, he would be able to see beyond my preppy cheerleader countenance and gotten to know the REAL me. And he might have really liked what he saw!”

I connected the two laments and started to wonder whether this was the perspective that women operate from when it comes to dating.  Do we feel like we are contenders in a race or game, one in which we have to “prove” ourselves to the other person, in order to “make it” to the “next round” (whether it be the next date,  becoming his girlfriend, moving in together or getting the ring).  Do we, women brought up in a post-feminism go-getting culture – one in which we are taught that we can be do and have anything we want, as long as we worked hard enough and proved our own worth, transpose the same mentality into the dating arena?

Another good friend of mine, Sara, had a guy whom she actually chased after.  He was playing the “I’m not sure whether I want you romantically or as a friend” game, but she being a woman who has never failed in any of her academic or professional endeavors, would not give up, and the more he vacillated, the harder she tried.  All of which flew in the face of the Rules and Why Men Love Bitches wisdom propounded by modern dating gurus,  who advise women to sit back, luxuriate in their goddesslyness, and let the men do the chasing. 

“There must be SOMETHING I can DO to get him back” ponders Ariel, interrupting my musings as we brunched at Essex in Manhattan's Lower East Side.

“I know.   I am going to get into really good shape, show up at his gym in the sexiest yoga outfit, and make him WANT me back.” She proclaims, as she crosses her toned runner's legs and raises an arm capable of giving Michelle Obama’s a run for their money to flag down the waiter.  

“You are already in great shape” I protest.

“Well, there is always more work to do,” she replies, and after a thoughtful pause, she continues “You know, maybe it is because my body is something I can actually control.  There is NOTHING in this situation within my control…he wanted out, he doesn’t see me as the perfect fit that I see him as… but my body? THIS I can do something about to win him back.”

So there we had it.  She felt like she had to, could, in fact do something that would have Rob running back into her already toned arms.  And her body was the one controllable variable in the messy equation of man plus woman equals everlasting love.   

I reflected on how the dating realm is indeed difficult waters for us modern day women to navigate.  We have been taught from a young age that we are in control of our lives and our destinies, that as long as we did certain things well and worked hard enough, we could get what we wanted – the good grades, the good school, the good job.

Perhaps our mothers should have also warned us however, that such rules do not apply in the world of men and dating.  There are no right or wrong things that we should or should not do, that will enable us to get a guy to fall in love with us, no ten step plan to getting the man of your dreams.  Human beings are so complex and diverse, that there is no straight and narrow path to love.  Yet because we have been so used to success in other aspects of our lives, success that comes about as a direct correlation to the amount of effort we put into ensuring its procurement, that even when it comes to men’s hearts, we think it is a matter of doing the right thing in order to get the result we want.

I too, used to be a victim of the mentality that I had to somehow make myself better to get a guy, or that if things were not working out there must be something that I can "do" to make things better.   I now know that viewing myself as a candidate in the dating game, in which my self-worth and respect are based on the evaluation and judgment of another, is just one, too esteem destroying, and two, not based on the reality of the nature of love.  There is no one set of criteria that all women can be measured up against to determine her deservability of being with a man she wants.   Every man’s perception of a woman is going to be colored by his own journey and life experience and he knows himself and what would work for him better than I do. His tastes and preferences in women have been formed by a series of occurrences and experiences even he probably has no conscious knowledge of.  If he likes blond curly haired women with cute freckled button noses because little Suzy who sat next to him in grade school had those qualities, and I am a dark straight haired Asian woman with no freckles to speak of, there really isn’t anything I can do about it.  Therefore if a man I thought had great potential is not interested, I adopt the far healthier and self-esteem preserving perspective that he has known himself all his life, and has a far clearer picture of what would and would not work for him than I would based on a 2 hour dinner date, or even after 20 dates together.  It is better that I respect his choice now, because he is just saving me a lot of time and future pain by making the inevitable decision now rather than later.  I have the same mentality when it comes to break-ups.  In all likelihood, given more time, the broken-up with party would come to the same realization as the heart-breaker, who just happened to see it first.  

I learned this lesson because of a guy I once fell for in college.  I felt like he was perfect for me, and given the great connection we had, I could not see why he would not reciprocate the sentiment.  This guy has remained a very good friend of mine, and having gotten to know him so much better over the span of the past 10 years, I now know that even if we had gotten together in college,  it would have never worked out.  Yet he knew this WAY before I did, because he knew himself better than I did, and could see more clearly than I could that we would not be the right fit! 

I therefore think it would be healthier and less emotionally destroying if women stopped viewing ourselves (whether we do it consciously or not) as candidates (or even worse, competitors!) in a dating game,  realize that we really have nothing to prove to men, and that getting a guy and keeping him is not about working or trying harder.  That ultimately the best matches come about when two people feel perfectly comfortable being just themselves, and are what my psychologist friend calls “in sync” with one another.  I therefore think the best practice is for women to just be who we are, allow ourselves to be wooed, enjoy getting to know the other person and letting ourselves be known by another, and most importantly, for us to know that we are inherently worthy of love.  

Is that your dog or your parents' dog?

People often ask me "so what is the difference between American culture and Asian/Singaporean culture?" given that I have lived in both continents.  It is of course not an easy question to answer in generalities, but there is one specific cultural difference that I can describe more fully here - that is the notion of American individualism.

This post was prompted by the question I've received several times in the states of "oh you have a dog?" and when I answer in the affirmative, but that my dog was in Singapore, I will inevitably get the response of "oh, it's your parents' dog."

This seemingly innocuous response actually sheds some interesting insight on a very marked difference in family dynamics and the notion of individualism in American and Asian cultures.  In Asia, if there is a dog in the family, it's everyone's dog. There's no my parents' dog, or my sister's dog, versus my dog. It's just our dog.  In America apparently it is different.  People often refer to going to their parents' home.  When I go home to Singapore though, I say I'm going home to MY home in Singapore, not to my parents' home in Singapore. 

America as a culture has been a lot more individualistic than in Asia.  Many American parents see their parental duties as having been largely fulfilled after they put their children through college, afterwhich their children are left largely to their own devices.  Many Americans also go on to live on their own after graduating from college, often in different cities from their parents.  In fact, in the dating realm, if an adult male is still living with his parents, many women would look at that fact as a negative, because the implication is that he must not be financially independent enough to live away from his parents.  Conversely, in Singapore, and I believe many Asian countries, children tend to live at home with their parents until they get married.  Some married couples even continue to live under the same roof as their (usually the guy's) parents! A phenomenon extremely hard for American couples to even imagine, much less accept. Also, parents continue to feel some form of duty to continue providing for their children even after graduation, and would not hesitate to help a child out financially if needed.  Of course, that is not to say that American parents don't help their children out after graduation, but it is not as prevalent as in Asia.  As an aside, I do note that in the Jewish community, there still seems to be a strong desire on the part of the parents to keep helping their children out, for example by putting them through graduate school, or helping pay for the downpayment of a new home.  I did have a conversation with a Jewish friend of mine in which we found several similarities in our cultures, particularly in terms of family cohesion.

This cultural difference even extends to the period of time when parents hit retirement age.  Partly because Asian parents have been so solicitous in the care of their children, and partly because of the greater cohesiveness of the family unit, the vast majority of Asian children will feel it is their duty to  take care of their parents in their old age, as a form of reciprocity (it has also been indoctrinated into our minds from a young age that it is our duty to do so).  It is surprisingly not always the assumption in America!  Because children often move away from their parents' homes and often to other states, parents are left either to their own devices in their homes, perhaps with hired assistance, or have to live in retirement or assisted living homes. Parents do not assume that their children will be taking care of them in their old age, and assiduously save up for their retirement because the assumption is that they will have to provide for themselves.  In contrast, in Asia there is an oft-heard saying that one has children so that one would have someone to take care of them in their old age.  There seems to be some kind of quid-pro-quo implied - I raise you up, and so you will take care of me in my old age.  Of course I think it would be imprudent not to save up for one's retirement, betting instead on the expectation that one's children 1. can support you in your old age and 2. will choose to support you in your old age. I do wonder though, given this underlying cultural expectation on the part of many if not most Asian parents, does that imply that Western parents are actually less selfish than their Asian counterparts?  Because they are procreating for the sheer desire to bring life into this world and raise them, with no or little expectation of having a security blanket for the twilight years of their lives?  Feel free to share your thoughts!

Julia Roberts Films Eat Pray Love Outside My Apartment

This is the story of how I got to see Julia Roberts herself before my very eyes!

I was coming come from a party on a Thursday night, when I saw a crowd of people gathering right outside my apartment.  I asked what was going on, and was told that Julia Roberts was ahead of us filming Eat Pray Love. We were however  pretty far from the scene of the filming, as the Production Assistant was preventing anyone from going forward.  Here is a picture of what I could see from my original standpoint. The filming was going on behind the white tent that you see in the background. As such, none of us standing there could even catch a glimpse of the famous Julia.

After waiting for several minutes to catch a glimpse of Julia, I saw a girl go up to the Production Assistant (PA) and tell him that she had to get through in order to get to her apartment, and he let her go by the barrier.  I then thought, well I live right here, I'll just walk round the block over to the other side, and tell the "guards" there that I have to get past them to get to MY apartment!

So from where I was at west 4th and barrow, I went round 7th avenue to get to the other side to barrow and Bleeker.  True enough, there were more PAs standing guard, protecting our beloved movie star from the prying eyes of curious onlookers and fans.  I acted completely nonchalant, as though I didn't even know, much less care about who or what was being filmed, and just said I had to get through to my apartment.  As luck would have it, there was apparently a break in the filming, and they could let me walk through.

I happily make my way through, thinking okay, I will have to walk as slowly as possible down this street, because I'm supposed to be just walking by, and cannot really stop to stare.  Just as I was walking by the restaurant One if by Land, Two if by Sea, voted to be the most romantic restaurant in New York city  (www.oneifbyland.com), lo and behold, the door of the restaurant opens, and who steps out other than Julia Roberts herself, right in front of my very eyes! I was completely floored! I couldn't BELIEVE my eyes, NOR my incredible luck! I had SUCH a good view of her, and then she actually opened her mouth, said something (I forgot what she said now I was in such a state of awe), and then she LAUGHED that inimitable laugh of hers  - I nearly died! Never in my life had I thought I'd ever get to see one of my favorite movie stars in person, AND get to hear that trademark laugh of her and see her megawatt smile!

She then gets into a yellow cab, and the filming begins - they film her getting out of the cab, arm in arm with some guy (he's probaby a pretty well known actor, but my eyes were absolutely NOT trained on him so I couldn't for the life of me tell you who he was) and then she walks into the restaurant.  That scene turns out to be the last cut before filming was then moved inside the restaurant - which means that I had managed to catch sight of Julia at the very last possible opportunity, and in a scene that would most likely be the one to make it to the screen! After they wrapped up the outdoor scene, everyone moved in doors to film inside the restaurant, and I couldn't get as good a view of Julia.  I didn't get a picture of her up close as I didn't want to be chased away by the crew, but I did take a shot of her inside the restaurant, although I don't think you can really see her from this photo:

 

So that's the story of how I sort of sneakily (but totally justifiably :) managed to see arguably the most beloved female movie star of our time. I have often thought of going into acting and or movie production myself, but it really is a lot of hard work.  Filming wrapped up at 3am that night, and the crew was flying out of the country the very next day. And there was SO much effort that had to go into making those couple of scenes inside and outside of the restaurant. The trailers and assorted equipment vehicles took up at least two streets! I think one has to REALLY want to do this and not just get caught up in the glitz and glamor of the business, because there is so much nitty gritty work that goes on behind the scenes.  Maybe I am at the end of the day best of enjoying the final cut rather than being part of the creative force. I really have to respect and admire the people who do commit themselves to this artistic endeavor though - they put in so much time and energy to provide us with a couple of hours of entertainment, I'm really thankful for them!

The Time Traveler's Wife

I recently watched the movie the Time Traveler's Wife, about the relationship between a woman, and a man who travels back and forth through time. I'm not really going to give an actual review of this movie, but just wanted to share an interesting concept regarding the notion of time travel.

Back in July I went for this lovely retreat/seminar by a wonderful teacher named Denise Linn. www.deniselinn.com (I JUST signed up a few minutes ago for her Ultimate Inner and Outer Clutter Clearing Program, I cannot wait. I am currently focused on completely clearing out the old and decluttering my life, so this 28 week (yes, 28 WEEKS!) program will be perfect. 

During the retreat program, Denise actually took us time traveling!  Meaning that she led us on a meditation that brought us back to a significant time in our past, and also took us on a meditation in which our future self actually comes to talk to our present self.  The notion behind this is that you can go to a time in your life when you were younger and more vulnerable, and have your present self talk to your younger self, lending it counsel and wisdom that it did not have back then. Similarly, in the meditation in which we imagine our future self coming to talk to us now, we imagine what wise words it might be saying to us given its older and wiser vantage point.  Denise then teaches us that even though we may think all this is all only in our imagination, that the time travel experience actually sends waves of energy through time, and can and will affect the selves that we were back in time, as well as our current and future reality.

The movie thus really made me think about this notion of time travel.  There were a couple of scenes in the movie (without giving anything away) in which an older self travels back in time to comfort and advise the younger self. One can even time travel and talk to someone ELSE in your life, as was done in the movie. This works well for example, for people whom you need forgiveness from, or whom you need to forgive.  I suppose it could even work for deceased ones whom you loved but never had the opportunity to tell them so.  You can now just time travel back to a point in time, and express to them how much you love and cherish them, rather than keep regretting never having said anything.  I'm now thinking this could actually be a brilliant idea for saying all those unsaid things in our lives that we regret having left unsaid, whether that person is still around or not.  I mean, how many of us have gone away from a someone or a situation thinking "aw MAN I wish I had said/done that."  Well now we can! In our imaginations! Waves of energy aside, even from a purely psychological standpoint this could be a very useful tool to have in our happiness bag of tricks.  

That said, I highly enjoyed the movie.  My friends thought the book was of course better, as is almost always the case for book to screen adaptations, but that the movie was very well done indeed. And on a less serious note, Rachel McAdams looked ridiculously pretty in the movie! I recommend seeing it, and/or reading the book if you have the chance.

My very first post

This is my very first post, and I must admit I feel a bit anxious about it. What if it doesn't appeal to people? if it's not good enough? I wonder if other bloggers out there face this kind of insecurity. I am sure I am not the only perfectionist blogger out there. And the thing is I have never considered myself to be a perfectionist before, but have only recently started realizing and admitting to my selectively perfectionist tendencies (i.e. I'm not a perfectionist about absolutely EVERYTHING in my life. My apartment, for example, is in a decidedly less than perfect state of affairs)

So this morning I woke up and the stream of thoughts started jarring at my mind soon after I finished my early morning meditation (I do a guided meditation because my mind is still too chit chatty for a silent meditation.  Hence a guided one helps me focus more. I am curently in the process of incorporating regular, or better yet daily meditation into my life!). My mind started going on and on about all the things that I have yet to get done, when all of a sudden another thought in a slightly different voice asked: "how long have I been back in New York city?" I have been away on a long vacation for the past 3 months, and just got back into this wonderful city not too long ago.  I checked my calendar, and lo and behold, I had been back for only 2 and a half weeks. TWO and a HALF weeks? Not even three? Well then, I've actually accomplished a LOT for a mere 18 days in the city!

I recall a lovely saying I once came across - that when you are working towards something or are not feeling so happy at how much more you have to go in order to get to where you want to go in life, that instead of looking at the interminably long stretch ahead of you, look back to see how far you have come.  So I looked back at the last 18 days of being in the city, and made a list of how much I have done in a mere 2.5 weeks:

1. I got to check out a few new restaurants I've been wanting to check out, several with the blessings of NYC's wonderful restaurant week (many of you already know about the awesome restaurant week, but for those of you who didn't know you can actually get the special RW menus online for many of the restaurants, here's the link: http://www.nycgo.com/restaurantweek. Check out before you go! And note that RW has been extended until Labor Day! more reason to eat ourselves out of the recession). New restaurants I got to check out include Jean George's Mercer Kitchen, Butter, Bondst, Soy and Sake (vegetarian restaurant in the village) Rockin Raw (Raw food restaurant in Willaimsburg. VERY good) and AOC - got to eat in the garden! I've always wanted to do that.  

2. I went to this swanky harvard law school soiree at Sotheby's followed by an after party at this real aspiration-inducing chi-chi apartment on Park Ave, and winding up the night at Cain, where I got to dance with the hottest Spanish guy ever! (pity he had to return to Spain 2 days later, but I sure had fun!) 

3. I partied at the Pink Elephant one night, and also went to a few bars that I've not been to before -  Jazz at Dizzy's at the Lincoln Center, The Oak Room bar at the Plaza Hotel, the bar at the Jane Hotel on Jane Street is ABSOLUTELY beautiful and very hopping these days, having just opened this summer.  Loads of beautiful people, and a gorgeous interior. I highly recommend it.  I checked out the W hotel bar, and even got to go to the private roof club at the Gramercy Park hotel (ha! seems like I've only been hanging out at hotel bars lately!).  This place used to be closed to the general public, and only open to celebrities, rich tycoons, and guests of the hotel.  And if you checked out the pictures on the website, you will see how luscious it looks and why I so dearly wanted to go: http://www.gramercyparkhotel.com/roof_club.html
I am therefore really pleased to inform my readers that now YOU too can go without having to drop over $300 a night on a room there.  Simply call the concierge of the hotel at 212 673 5604 to make a reservation. Have fun! I

4. Although I'm still in the midst of a massive decluttering project, I gave away 3 bags full of clothes and things I no longer use or love.  I desire to only wear and keep clothes that I love and adore!! 

5. I managed to have three different life coaching sessions by private life coaches, and have decided on the one I'm going to go with for now. They really are very useful for those of you who haven't tried life coaching before.  It really helps give you additional insights into your life and situations you are faced with.

6. I went for 4 different workshops, one on thriving in this economy, another for business entrepreneurs, one on manifesting and a fourth one that combined intensati (a cardio workout that mixes exercise with self-affirmations. I tried it for the first time - the affirmations might be a little on the cheesy side to newcomers if it's not your kinda thing, but it was definitely energizing) followed by a 2 hour designing your life session by the President of the Handel Group. (wow, I did NOT realize how utterly productive I've been until now)

7. I got to spend a lot of quality time with my dear friend Agnes, who came to visit me from Washington DC.

8. I got to go to the beach! Long Beach in Long Island city.

9. I celebrated a friend's birthday at his house party, and caught up with a lot of friends I hadn't seen in the past 3 months. I partied at my friend Sean's (I call this guy Sean Party) and met some cool new people. I generally spent time these past 2.5 weeks catching up with people I hadn't seen in a while.

10. I actually started my blog!!! And since I have some challenge making decisions, deciding on which blog host to go with took some TIME with all the various options out there - so this is quite the accomplishment for me!

11. and the list actually goes on a little more! 3 dates (and I just met another guy who was sitting right next to me in a restaurant. ONLY in new york city, where the tables are SO close to one another you can literally turn your face and be chatting with the person right next to you!),I've been so great about seeing my pt and chiro, and I saw the AMAZING movie julie & julia, watched the Time Traveler's Wife, a documentary on female artists juggling their career and family, and discovered Stogo, this incredible vegan ice cream place (stogonyc.com) - you can't believe it's made 100% of soy! It's also sweetened with Agave nectar instead of sugar. AND I even managed to squeeze in doing my laundry :) oh, and because i have the luxury of not having to go into work anymore, I even manage to indulge myself by putting on a face mask or two EVERY single day!

So after making that whole list (and there are a few more random items I didn't put in here), I now think it's unbelievable how much I've managed to get done in 18 days! And to think my morning mind was trying to scold me for being SO UNPRODUCTIVE! Wow, look what happens when you actually list down all you've managed to accomplish in a period of time - you start to feel so much better about yourself!

This has actually inspired me.  Now that I see more clearly how much I can get done in 18 days, I'm more invigorated now to see what more I can accomplish and experience in the NEXT 10, 20 and 30 days!